Floating in the Deep End: How Caregivers Can See Beyond Alzheimer's by Patti Davis

Author:Patti Davis [Davis, Patti]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, Personal Memoirs, Alzheimer's & Dementia, women, Health & Fitness, diseases, Epub3, Medical (Incl. Patients)
ISBN: 9781631497995
Google: pTsfEAAAQBAJ
Publisher: Liveright Publishing
Published: 2021-09-28T23:38:03.737521+00:00

AN AREA IN WHICH guilt can arise with a vengeance is relationships with siblings. I mentioned earlier that it’s rare to find a family that is bonded and cohesive in its approach to a parent diagnosed with dementia. In six years of running Beyond Alzheimer’s, I can only think of a few examples when that was the case. Typically, in most families, one offspring takes the helm. This can be because he or she has been chosen by the parent, it can be because the other siblings don’t want the responsibility, or it can be a sort of power-grab that has left everyone else in the dust. What’s always clear is that the dynamic between siblings was forged long before dementia entered the picture; it just becomes more dramatic and more obvious in the context of illness.

So, a son who has been sidelined by a bossy sister can end up feeling guilty that he isn’t doing more to help the parent who has dementia. But every time he tries to intervene—suggest something or change the way things are being handled—she shuts him down. Inevitably, arguments arise that then lead to more guilt. Or there can be the opposite situation, in which one sibling takes on the burden of responsibility because the others don’t want to, and then feels guilty because his or her parent keeps asking where the others are.

Family complications don’t fade when dementia enters the picture; they get worse because they’re being dragged out into the light. In almost every case, what you are going through now is just another version of what you’ve always gone through. If there are moments when your siblings might be open to looking at the history you share, and seeing how patterns are repeating themselves, seize those moments. It’s not impossible that things can change, but it’s going to take everyone being on board for that. You didn’t create the situation all by yourself, and you can’t remedy it all by yourself.

My family was always fractured and distant, with each person traveling in his or her own lane of life, so no one expected that we would come together and have deep discussions about what was happening to our father. One evening in my support group, when I was listening to someone describe a volatile situation among siblings, with arguments and disagreements, I found myself feeling strangely envious. In my family, none of the siblings knew each other that well; distance whistled between us, and other than on holidays like Christmas we rarely saw each other. We weren’t close enough to argue. It struck me that there is an intimacy and a closeness to that kind of messiness—to arguing and disagreeing; maybe looking at it that way could be a valuable perspective. If the alternative is not knowing your brothers and sisters well at all, arguing doesn’t seem like such a bad thing. At least you’re communicating.

In the early years of my father’s Alzheimer’s, my half sister Maureen and I made a valiant attempt to get to know each other.

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